Insecure
by Psychotic Tanuki
Summary: I beg you to look at me, as I am—as my true self. Everyone sees me as a girl who protects with her sword—shed what you know of me and look at me as I truly am—an insecure woman, no more, no less. Let me show you the inner depths of my heart
1. The Fragrance of White Plums

Insecure

By: Psychotic Tanuki

_I beg you to look at me, as I am—as my true self. Everyone sees me as a girl who protects with her sword—shed what you know of me and look at me as I truly am—an insecure woman, no more, no less. Let me show you the inner depths of my heart. _

Do you know who I am? Of course you do. 

At least you think you do. 

I am simply a woman, who is in love with Himura Kenshin. The complications of being in love with such a man are so numerous I've lost count and the pain so addictive, it's comparable to opium. It hurts to look at him and know I can't touch. It hurts to talk to him and not be able to say all of what I want to say. It hurts to sit in his company and know he sees you as an innocent little girl incapable of wrong. And it hurts to know that I can never completely heal his soul—it hurts to know that I can never completely erase his pain. It hurts to know that I can never make him truly, 100% happy. It hurts to know that once upon a time, there was a woman who could. 

Yukishiro Tomoe, I do not know much of her. I know that she was beautiful, graceful, determined and was the most important person to influence Kenshin's life. I could not be more grateful to any other person who ever lived, and yet I could not be more envious. 

               Does Kenshin long for her, does his heart ache for her, and does he still long for her to be by his side? Will he ever stop longing for her, will he ever love me that intensely, and will he ever move on? Is there enough room in his already broken and battered heart for me? But most of all, I wonder, if I die will he carry my memory, will he carry me within his heart? I know I'll carry his memory with me for all of my life, and he has never left my heart. Day in, day out these thoughts plague my mind as I watch him, never knowing that I watch him. 

                I know that my place in his heart (if it's even there) will never surpass Tomoe's. She saved him from the madness of the Hitokiri, she saved him from insanity. With her soft, gentle hands, she mended the cracks in his heart and gave us the man he is today. It makes me wonder, if Tomoe-san and I switched places, would I have been able to do the same? Without a doubt, I have no qualms that she would be able to take my place with ease. How can I, a measly tanuki girl, ever hope to live up to her glory? 

                Once my gratefulness and my envy subside, my self loathing and my imagination corner me. If she had lived, would Kenshin still be with me? No, of course not. They'd be living in a cottage somewhere, happy and peaceful with lots of kids and I—I'd be alone in this dojo preaching my father's legacy. Then, maybe, just maybe I'd have been able to fall in love with a nice boy and live a happy life too. After all, _I'm no replacement for Tomoe, and perhaps Kenshin would have had a happier life, without the burden of Tomoe's death weighing down his already burdened heart. Sometimes I resent her for dying. Sometimes the flames of hatred burn deep within my heart. _

                She was so perfect. I bet she had beautifully soft, womanly hands and a demure look about her. I bet you she had dark mysterious eyes and soft silky hair. I KNOW that if she walked by, men's hearts would skip a beat. I bet she was patient and that her voice was quiet and beautiful to listen to. Oh, how I loathe her. She is everything I want to be, and everything I'll never be. But how can I truly hate someone who obviously had such a beautiful soul? Sometimes I wish I could, it's so much easier to hate her, to mutter profanities at her. But I can't, not truly and any words I do utter in spite—I don't really mean them.   

               However, how can I even think these horrible thoughts? How can I resent Kenshin for loving her? I have no control over who he loves, I have no control over anything he does—I never did. I have no control over what he thinks. Even if Kenshin returned my feelings (sometimes I think he shields my feelings, which makes me feel even worse), even if he told me he loved me, I wouldn't know what he thinks of me and it's obvious he holds Tomoe in the highest regard. Sometimes I speculate whether or not he compares us in his head whenever I do something unladylike or annoy him. I can just imagine him thinking '_well…Tomoe never hit me with a bokken". _

                Dear lord, I'm so childish. I have a grudge against a dead woman just because in some weird, twisted, and perverse way, I wish I was her. During the fight with Enishi, Kenshin fought without inhibition. He fought with a grace that I never knew he possessed, and in the heat of battle he pronounced his answer to Tomoe. Even in death, she had given him a calm, a peace so powerful that I could never hope to give him. Shortly afterwards, I nearly pulled a Tomoe myself. 

                I was scared, oh so scared. I remember my pounding heart as it beat against my rib cage. I remember crouching over his kneeling body to shield him, and I remember thinking _Dear God, don't let me die .I'm so selfish. I can't even sacrifice my life correctly. I wasn't thinking of Kenshin's life, oh no, I was thinking of my own as Enishi's watou hurled towards me. I bet that Tomoe didn't think of herself while she was dying. Not that it matters, I came out looking heroic and we both came out alive. Megumi-san would say that it was just my survival instinct coming over me, and maybe she's right. However, it doesn't help me rid the guilt. _

                I've never forgiven myself for that. The whole world revolves around me and what I think of Kenshin's thoughts of me. When I'm all alone, and I have nothing to busy my mind with, my thoughts wander. Often, the topic of much pondering has been, _If I were more like Tomoe, would Kenshin like me better? If I were a demure woman, or if I was not a woman immersed in the world of kendo, would he be more likely to love me? If I were gentler, would they all look upon me with the same respect they look upon Megumi-san, Toki-san, Tomoe-san and nearly every other woman we encounter? I am more than just a girl with an impossible ideal. I am so much more than what they see me to be. _

                I know the world of hiding too. I'm not always a happy, lively person, I can feel sad too. Whenever someone else is sad, I've always asked what I could do to help, because I know what it feels like to be sad. All I want is the same courtesy from the people I respect, a genuine sign that they care, not the chiding "Oi Busu, stop moping, you have nothing to mope about." Yahiko is only a boy, but his words affect me just as much as Kenshin's words do. I know he doesn't like to see me unhappy, it shatters the image they have of me. Still, I wish they would allow me to feel openly, I wish I could tell someone these thoughts. 

                Until I realize what a complete selfish, horrible, and absolutely annoying person I am. Tomoe gave her _life to save the man she loved and in return Kenshin spent _ten years_ honoring her memory. What I feel is insignificant to the pain, suffering and deception they both had to live through. Although I may be stronger physically, I cannot doubt the mental strength of Tomoe and Kenshin. I know what pain and suffering is, I can understand what it feels like, but I have never experienced it to the extent they have. Its at times like these, I am completely disgusted with myself. I put on the façade that I am completely understanding of Kenshin and Tomoe's relationship but that's the farthest thing from the truth. I don't understand it at all! _

                I don't need to understand it, but I want to accept it; I know that nothing can change the past. Like I said, sometimes I think life would've been ten times easier if Tomoe had never died. Enishi would've never gone insane, Kenshin would be happy, Tomoe would learn to be happy with Kenshin and I would've lead a happy life too. Part of me still doesn't acknowledge that Tomoe existed, but to do so, it would dishonor her memory. I think the first step to overcoming these incessant, inane thoughts is to accept that Kenshin has loved before. I have to let go of that stupid little image of a prince whose been searching for his princess his whole entire life, it's not fair to me, to Kenshin and least of all to Tomoe. I have to stop holding Kenshin's image up to that of a prince and with that, the last remnants of my childhood dreams.  However, there is only one itty bitty problem between me and acceptance. 

                When Kenshin dragged me to Kyoto to pray at her grave, I begged for her to let me take care of Kenshin, that he was safe in my hands. Only afterwards, did I realize, could I take care of him better than she did? Did he even want me to take care of him? He told me that he had told her "I'm sorry, Thank you and goodbye".  He was sincere. I know he was. However, it still doesn't give me peace and the worst part is I know exactly why. 

                I'm jealous. I'm jealous of the relationship they once had. He was so intense with her, so intimate and with me he's kept an arm's distance. I want to be important, I want to be close to him but he keeps me at a safe distance. It's frustrating and it hurts, each time I think about Tomoe and Kenshin I stab a knife into my own heart. I really wish that I could knock myself out and get amnesia. To forget this torment would be wonderful, but at the same time to let go of my memories of Kenshin would be horrible. 

                I probably sound like a jealous little girl, who wants to keep her prince charming. I admit, part of me is like that. It's a part of every girl isn't it? We all want our prince charming to come and sweep us away—but now, ever since Father went away—I've had to let go of that image. I've had to grow up.  Still part of me clings to that image, but I know one day it'll be gone. One day I will look back and my heart will be light because tomorrow is another day, another step closer to becoming an adult. 

                For now I have to deal with my jealousy. Now, I cannot possibly dream of a relationship with Kenshin. I'm 18 years old, I'm not a girl anymore, but I've never had any womanly advice or help, I don't know how to become a woman, I'm stuck somewhere between. I'm learning though, I'm learning. Perhaps when I do become a woman, my feelings will fade, perhaps the person I will become will need someone else. It's not a happy thought, but my most sincere wish is for Kenshin to find contentment within himself.  If that means he needs to leave I am most ready to let him leave. I will not chase after him again because I have no right to chain down his free spirit. He has given me so much, and he has taken away so much from me as well. He had opened the door to my own journey, my journey to become the person I've always wanted to be. 

                Often I have wondered what I would say to Tomoe if I could've met her. I think I have a semblance to what I'll tell her in the future though, but I'm in no hurry. I've no wish to die early. 

                I would tell her thank you, she has given me the greatest gift I could've possibly asked for. She has given me the strength to know what love is and not what my fairytale idea of it had been. It's not only happiness, acceptance, and contentment, its all of those negative emotions—jealousy, fear, sadness, selfishness, greed—too. I hope that one day; I too can be like her. She was so loved and I wonder if she knew that, I want to be loved like that too. 

                Do you think less of me? 

                Do you think I am out of character? If so, I must ask you—what is my character? Who am I? Can you tell me who I am? Can you tell me a definite outline of my character without stereotyping me, without diminishing what I feel? Do you know me so well that you could dictate what I would say, or how I would act if you put me in certain situations? 

                If you can, I wish you would tell me.

                "Kaoru-dono, are you alright? You seem distracted that you do." I turn to look at Kenshin, his concern is apparent and I can't help but feel happy. Even if doesn't love me, he cares and that is enough. But right now, I believe that I am confusing Kenshin with my unexpectedly long silence. 

                "No, but I will be." 

                Thank you Tomoe, for saving his soul during the Bakumatsu and thank you for making him happy and most of all, thank you for showing me the door to happiness.  

                AN: Well…this…this came after much diet coke, much pissed off-ness, and much introspective thinking into the characters and how we as fanfiction writers rarely give justice to the delicate complexity that Watsuki gave each and every single one of his characters. I doubt he even knows the full extent of each of the characters he gave life to. Maybe I'm just looking into this way too much, but I think that the most misunderstood characters are the ones we pass off as easy to understand and therefore characterize them in a stereotypical way. 

                But I can understand why we do so; it's easier to fit them into our plots and our stories that way. If we were to pay complete attention to the inner turmoil of all the characters it would prove verbose and boring to read. 

                That's why we have introspective pieces. ^^ If I've offended someone, I'm sorry. I really debated whether or not I should post this or not and I decided that I should. If someone thinks that I shouldn't have I apologize in advance. 

                Let me know if I should continue this, or leave it as a one shot. This is just scratching the surface and this chapter is my take on the whole 'Tomoe versus Kaoru" and what Kaoru probably would think of Tomoe and her relationship with Kenshin. Then again…this is just my speculation. 

                *Ducks flying flames of s*** as people get ready to flame me* 

                Please…don't scorch me too much…


	2. Departure

Insecure

By: Psychotic Tanuki

Chapter Two: Departure

                He is beautiful. Somehow, just by looking at him, I always knew that he was special, that he was different. I don't know, maybe it was the hair. Nothing is as they appear to be and everything is as it should be. Through life, you walk the line of choice and my choice was to follow him to Kyoto; to follow my heart. I was not an adult yet, and caught up in the whirlwind of love I was not ready to let him go. I didn't want to let him go. So I followed Kenshin to Kyoto with my heart on my sleeve and my mind racked with doubt. 

                May 14th, 1878. I remember that day. I remember it with a pristine clarity and though the pain has dulled, it still stabs my heart with a sadistic smile. How can anyone ever forget a time when the person you care about the most leaves you behind? That feeling of pure, raw emotion that strikes a chord in your heart—the feeling of pure despair, darkness and that aching in your heart that comes from wishing you could hold him close and never let him go—to never leave his side. That ominously dark feeling of being alone where no one could hear your screams, your sobs, or your tears—the floor had been ripped out from beneath me. Now I realize, I _had _to follow him, I had to be weak because I was so tired of trying to be strong. I was so tired of walking that long dark road with no end in sight. I was tired of searching through the dark for a nonexistent light. I couldn't deal with it, I didn't want to deal with it—I didn't want to be alone anymore. 

He saved me from that—that wonderful, wonderful man. I had been alone for so long that I had forgotten what the company of another person felt like. I liked his company—he was never demanding, sometimes a tad annoying but he never asked me to be anyone but me. It was like he had opened the window in a dark room—he had let the light in and it felt so good to be bathed in light. I was no longer wary of the darkness because his light would always shine down upon me, or so I had hoped. Then on that fateful day, my savior brought me back to that dark, lonely road and left me there.

_Why_, I wanted to scream, _why have you tortured me so? Why, Kami-sama, have you let me bask in the light, only to once again plunge me into darkness? _ I couldn't understand the reasons as to why he had to go, or why I had to be left behind. Once again, I was left searching through the darkness for the light but this time, I didn't think I would ever find it again. Desperately, I tried to bring my savior back to me. I wanted to find the comfort he had brought to my soul once again. But as I watched him leave, without a single glance back and that finality in his heavy, sullen, steps I lost strength. The words he had uttered to me in the curtain of night still ring through my head, 

"_With Jineh, I became Battousai to save you, and your voice brought me back. But with Saitou, I became Battousai only for the sake of the fight. And so your voice couldn't even reach me. The difference is crucial." _

I was very adamant on not following him, although every fiber of my being wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to just run off to Kyoto, but for days I just laid there. I remember staring at my ceiling, his goodbye resounding through my head. It had sounded so final—and my heart hurt. Rejection hurt. He had accepted my offer for a new life with open and ready hands—and with it my heart. In the end he had returned it to me—reluctant and careful. It didn't matter though, he had broken it anyway. He had chosen this godforsaken path over small happiness with us because it was his nature. He would not leave Japan in turmoil; he would take it upon his shoulders to save it. This was his atonement—this was his self inflicted punishment for his sins in the past. 

From our first meeting, I suppose I was under the impression he had conquered his demons from his days as the Hitokiri. He gave no signs of discontent, no signs of unhappiness. However, within a few days of knowing him I realized this to be the exact opposite of the truth. He was still fighting them—for ten years he had constantly fought them. I should have been happy that I could give him a temporary reprieve—but that didn't make me happy at all! In the fight with Jineh, the darkness in his heart—the mask that was the Hitokiri Battousai—reappeared. After ten years of hibernation he appeared, but was conquered. Warily, we returned home—He could become the Battousai, but as long as his he was with us, he could control it. I was convinced of that, and I think he was too. 

Then _he came. _Him_ and__ his Aku Soku Zan had come into my home, stabbed Sanosuke, and had the audacity to try and kill Kenshin by nailing him to the ceiling and another attempt by trying to snap his neck with his belt. No words would be able to describe how _pissed_ I was at Saitou Hajime. During their battle, I desperately thought I could bring Kenshin back, to stop the madness that was driving him to fight. _

However, I couldn't save him from the madness. I could save him from returning to the madness of the Hitokiri, I could save him from inclement weather, I could save him from harsh onlookers and evil gossip but I couldn't, and I still can't save him from himself. I couldn't accept it at first; I wanted to be the one who could soothe his heart, who could save him from the demons that plagued him. Although I had called to him, in the insanity, he couldn't hear my voice. I had never felt more inadequate, more useless in my life. He had helped soothe my soul with almost immediate success and I couldn't return the favor. Hours upon hours, I just lay there mulling over those two facts. One, he had left our happy makeshift family for a path that could unravel the intricate tapestry of atonement that he had built over ten years, and two, I couldn't save him from himself. 

I had lost something, I didn't know what I had lost but whatever it was, I wanted it back. There was an empty feeling in my chest that wouldn't go away—whatever I had lost, I knew it used to reside there; it used to make me feel whole.  I no longer felt like I could do anything useful. I was a talentless girl who thought she could change the world. In the end, I had changed nothing and my bitterness ran deep. Then, a saint appeared to me in fox's clothing. 

I hadn't really liked Takani Megumi until then. Well, I had liked her before she started hanging herself off of Kenshin—but that was beside the point. At that moment, she was absolutely last person I wanted to see. She was haughty, excessively flirty, attacked behind cleverly worded words and yet was so blunt that it was bordering upon being unnecessarily rude. It most certainly didn't help, that whatever cracks she made on my account, were found to be hilariously funny to everyone else—Kenshin included. All of those biting comments on me being unladylike, a country girl, and too simple minded didn't help me. It was bad enough that I knew my faults and short comings as a lady; I didn't need her to point it out to the world. 

I was infuriated when she showed her face in my room. I wanted nothing to do with her—hell I wanted nothing to do with anyone. So I decided that I would give her the cold shoulder, and for once—I wanted to come out on top. However, the first sentence out of her mouth had my hands writhing in fury as I wanted to watch her strangle to death.

_"I'm disgusted, you're still here."_

_"What do you want?"_

_"Isn't it obvious? I came to laugh at the tanuki-girl that Ken-san rejected."_

That _hurt. That was unnecessary and sometimes I think she made that comment because Kenshin wasn't there. She must've been itching to say that, because she would've never said that if Kenshin was there. She wouldn't have the nerve to._

 I was more than infuriated at her foul mouth, I was livid with righteous anger. I was so angry and enraged I couldn't think straight, and the words wouldn't form in my mouth. My teeth were clenched so tightly I thought they would crack. In that moment, I _hated her, absolutely _hated_ her. I wanted to _kill_ her. I couldn't understand what I had done to invoke her spite, I had __never insulted her so tactlessly, and I had __never ever kicked her when she was down. In my anger, I grew careless as I couldn't even block her second attempt to slap me. It never hit, but I was furious with myself as well. _Why did she always win in our spouts? _ _

The tears wanted to spill over, they wanted to pour down my face but I fought to keep them from falling. I would NOT cry in front of her, I REFUSED to cry in front of that _insufferable _woman_.  _

_"Oh, so now you're going to cry? You really are weak."_

She had crossed the damn line. She had knowingly come into _my_ home, _insulted me in __front of my friends, and called me __weak? WEAK? I was not a weak person. She came here telling me to take her 'special' medicine to Kenshin in Kyoto (She could bring it to him herself for all I cared), and was leaving calling me weak. Words that I had always imagined telling her, biting words that would deliberately hurt her wouldn't come out. My mind was restless, she was not leaving without a piece of my mind, and to my dismay my voice came out cracked._

_". . . You don't understand, Megumi. How it felt for him to say goodbye to me, face to face . . . you don't understand at all!" _ You don't know what its like to have him crush your heart in front of your face! You don't know how much it hurts to feel so inadequate—you don't know how much I want to die right now! I wanted to scream all those things to her; I wanted to make her feel like the lowest shit on the planet. 

_                "That's true. But we're even. You don't understand how it felt for him not to say goodbye to me at all. Before you start going to extremes, consider your own feelings once more."_

                Perhaps…those words calmed me down; she knew she was treading on thin ice. Had she continued, I was ready to kick her out of my dojo and inflict sever bodily damage. In laymen's terms, I wanted to beat the shit out of her. I had never before been so angry in my life and when her voice cracked as she left the dojo, it all dissipated. I wanted to apologize, but my pride refused to let me. I was still ashamed; never before had I even imagined beating someone up to make myself feel better. Megumi wanted to go to Kyoto, she wanted to see Kenshin and yet she came to the dojo to tell me to go instead. Yes, I wanted to see Kenshin, but how could I? How in the world could I go and face him again? How could I go to him knowing I was unable to save him from his inner demons? I would never be able to control him; I would never be able to eliminate the risk of the Battousai appearing the heat of battle. The derisory feeling in my gut grew until I felt nauseous and I wanted to vomit. However, in the end, Megumi had distracted my morbid thoughts and as I sat there, finally understanding those cruel words, I was truly speechless…and grateful.

                I think that's when I realized something very important. The only person who can stop this feeling of inadequacy was me. Similarly, the only person who could ultimately save Kenshin was himself, not even Tomoe could save him. Both of us, we could only be there to help him realize that. All the more reason I shouldn't_ have gone to Kyoto__. Yahiko would hear none of that; I couldn't say a single word in my defense. _

                "_No shit and no buts. You're the only one Kenshin said goodbye to. Don't you get it? It was hardest for him to part with you! So listen up! No matter what anyone else says, you're the one who's got the best chance of making him come back! …Don't you want to see him?"  _

I don't know whether he knows it, but I've held those words close to my heart as well. They were crude, brash and hardly eloquent, but the emotion he put behind them will stay with me forever. I haven't heard a speech like that from him ever since and frankly it pisses me off. But anyway, even Yahiko, stupid, dense Yahiko, believed that Kenshin would be happier to see me than the rest of them—and in that moment I was convinced to go, to find out for myself where I stand with Kenshin. Of course, not that I would tell any of them that…

And so, the two of us and Megumi's jar of medicine went off to Kyoto where I would face ultimate judgment from the one who mattered the most—would he be angry, disappointed, mad? I needed to know, so I got on that boat and set off to find Himura Kenshin. For the first time, I thought of him in a different light—no longer a savior, he was just Kenshin. A different set of words rang through my head that day; they were a balm to the dulling ache in my heart.

                "_When I first met you . . . even though you knew I was Hitokiri Battousai, you kept me from leaving. You said 'I don't care about a person's past.' I was very happy."  _

I had made him happy, and that in return, made me ecstatic. I was no longer angry, only nervous. In front of Yahiko, I tried to keep a happy face; I don't think it worked particularly well. In the back of my mind was the nagging worry that he would send Yahiko and I back home and never look at us again. 

                When the moment of truth finally came at the doorstep of Hiko Seijuuro, I had barely knocked on the door when he opened it first. The water bucket had slipped from his fingers and it clattered on the floor. I tried to smile, but I couldn't. He did not smile. His beautiful face was white with shock, soon replaced with a look of betrayal. I could no longer see his eyes and he walked past me as if I was not there. My heart sank into my stomach and I felt so stupid. Yahiko was wrong; he didn't want to see me. He didn't want to see me at all and I felt my heart start to break again. I was ashamed, and I felt so incredibly stupid. He was angry because without thought, we came to Kyoto, despite his wishes. Now he had to worry for our safety as well as Sanosuke, who was still on his way to Kyoto. I felt incredibly foolish and embarrassed. How could I jeopardize Kenshin like this? _But still…_ a part of me thought, _I am glad to see him. _I couldn't speak, and once again the feelings I wanted to tell Kenshin flew out of my grasp before I could pin them down with words. I believe Yahiko was quite frustrated with me right then, and I think Misao, (a delightful girl whom I could relate with in many areas), understood why I had remained silent.

                Despite all the teasing from Hiko ("_Aren't you going for a moonlight stroll with the girl_?"), and Yahiko, (_"So Kaoru could see Kenshin…") ahem—despite all their teasing, Misao's keen observation bothered me for days afterward. Without thinking, she jubilantly declared that I was going to bring Kenshin back to Tokyo and confess my love for him. Was that true? Did I really want to do that? __Isn't that part of the reason I came to see Kenshin, to find out where I stand with him? Out loud, I feebly denied it. Both Yahiko's and Misao's (she'd just met me--!) confident declarations suggested I was in love with Kenshin. I was embarrassed me immensely, I felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come back out. To Hiko Seijuuro, their answers to his questions (all of which revolved around me, Kenshin and how I had come all the way from Tokyo just to see Kenshin) pleased him immensely for reasons I can't understand and soon, he too was confident I was in love with him. _

                It was frustrating and for the umpteenth time that week I felt dense, embarrassed and exceedingly childish. It was so exasperating to feel the same emotions over and over again; to incessantly replay words in my head infuriated me. I was confused and troubled—everyone around me seemed to think that I was hopelessly, head over heels in love with Kenshin—except for me! I was Kenshin's friend—I cared about him, yes, but I didn't _love_ him. There were so many reasons as to why love between us wouldn't work, and why I shouldn't even try. First of all, he's _eleven years older than me; second of all he was a Rurouni—free to leave at any time to continue on his path of atonement. Third of all, why would he go for someone like me and fourth of all—I didn't want to be rejected again. _

                While I was pondering in my feelings toward Kenshin, his shishou smiled smugly with a gentle look in his eyes. Fondly, he had pointed to a handmade tea set with white plums decorating them and made the kind gesture of offering it to me. I had a feeling he liked me, and that gave me some relief. Still, Kenshin's unknown feelings toward me made me nervous. Was he angry with me? Did he feel betrayed? He certainly didn't seem as if he wanted to see me, he didn't seem happy at all. With my heart heavy, I wondered if he would ever forgive me.  

                By the time he had come back with two buckets of water, I had already decided. I needed to know what he felt towards me right at that moment. What he felt about me before that moment or after that moment was irrelevant. I needed to know right then and there. So as he walked out that small cabin door to learn the ougi, the words I desperately wanted to say stumbled out of my mouth and I held my breath waiting for his answer.

                _"I came to __Kyoto__, without even thinking about the danger…are you angry with me?"_

_                "Half of me is. But for the other half, I'm somehow . . . relieved._ _You don't know where Shishio's men could be hiding, so be careful."_

Kenshin didn't turn around, he didn't smile and I figured he was still a bit angry with me. _ Still, he didn't hate me and I was relieved. Although, this relief didn't last for very long as I was once again, confused. Since when did I fear him hating me? I had hit him numerous times before and never once did that pop into my head. In that regard, I had never worried about what he really thought of me. I think that's when I began suspecting that I had fallen in love with him. Not that I was completely happy with that revelation, and for the duration of my stay in Kyoto—I tried to convince myself otherwise. Needless to say…it didn't work. _

                The man worried me sick to no ends. For two weeks after fighting Shishio, he just lied down on a futon in the Aoiya, moaning and grunting in pain. For a month, he barely stayed conscious enough to eat food, sleep, excrete waste, and utter a few incoherent words in his sleep. Day in day out, all I did was sit by his side along with Megumi, who had come to Kyoto as soon as she heard. I think that's when I knew I was in love with him. I don't really know when I had fallen in love, but that's when I knew for _sure that__ I was. You don't sit day and night by a man for a month if you don't love him. You don't spend sleepless nights worrying if all of the sudden, he's going to die in the middle of the night without your knowing, if you don't love him. You most definitely do not stay in his room twenty-four seven, (not including bathroom breaks, or shifts they forced you to take at the Aoiya), because you are jealous that you will not be the one he wakes up to if you're not in love with him. _

                So on the way back to Tokyo, I wanted to offer him another fresh start at a new life. I wanted to show him that I had grown in the time he was injured; I wanted him to see I wasn't a little girl anymore. I wanted to show with my actions that I loved him, because I could not say them in words. I wanted for all of us to start over again. I was not the only one to have grown from this experience, we all did. We were all different people from when we first met—we were all different people from when Kenshin uttered goodbye. I wanted to give us all a new beginning. 

                _"Kenshin…Okaeri nasai…" I offered my hand to him, a nervous smile on my face and I was happy to see that he did not back away. _

_                "…Tadaima..."_

                "Tadaima...Ne, Kaoru-dono…you seem to be taking a liking for brooding, though you seem happier today than yesterday that you do." So he's noticed. I smile happily and my heart feels lighter. 

                "Okaeri nasai Kenshin…" 

                I'm happy here, with Kenshin. He's my family and although I cannot always determine what he's thinking or save him from himself, just being near him is enough. I think we're happy here, right now. Things are peaceful and even though I am not ready to enter a relationship with Kenshin, I look forward to the day that I am.  

                "Kenshin, I'm going to walk over to the clinic. I need to talk to Megumi-san." 

                "Oro—Sessha will walk you over de gozaru." 

I realize now, many months afterward that nothing, nothing would have made him stay—not even his new life which he had tried so hard to build; he had abandoned all of it for the sake of Japan. Deep down, I think I knew even if I had the courage to immediately follow him; I don't think I would have. I understood what he wanted to do, I understood what he needed to do and so, and I let him go to face his destiny. _But, even if it took a sly kitsune and a brat to make me see, I wanted my destiny to be with him. _

I will never regret following him to Kyoto. 

AN: wahoo… :D

                After people told me that I should continue I was extremely happy. Nyahaha! I always liked the scene where he says goodbye to her and the emotions I had Kaoru go through when Megumi was insulting her, were basically mine when I read that chapter in the manga. Later, after I went back and read it a second time I noticed subtle, indirect bits of advice aimed at Kaoru. Of course, they were done in a crude manner, but if Megumi had told Kaoru directly, Kaoru wouldn't have found out these things for themselves, and therefore their later happiness would've been less meaningful. All of Megumi's spouts with Kaoru (except ones dealing with Megumi's promiscuity with Kenshin…)

                Yes, I may have my moments when I want to throttle Megumi, but I am most definitely pro-Megumi. 

               Oh and before I forget, the quotes were taken from translations of the manga from Maigo-chan's Ruroken translation site. I wondered if I put too many quotes in there…but some of them were too funny to leave out. I'm a level 2 student in Japanese…I have yet to learn all how to say all the cool things they do in Kenshin…*le sigh*

                Nyahaha….this chapter came out a little more lighthearted than the last chapter did…oh well. Now to go off and work on my other fic which I've been ignoring the last two days to write this… *slinks away* 

 And to all those who reviewed, I was truly touched and honored by your reviews. They made me so much happier than I ever thought they would. Thank you so very very much. 

                Shiomei- Dear lord, where do I start? I'm happy to find that another person shares the same views that I do about the character's subtle personalities. One of the things that makes Rurouni Kenshin such a great series is that all of their characters could actually be real people in the world. I know that my friends and I are all spitting images of at least one of the characters—part of the reason we're all Kenshin freaks. Its also very flattering to know that I wrote down all that you think of Kaoru—there's actually a whole lot more I wanna write about her character like oh I dunno…what she thinks about Kenshin, and what she thinks about her parents…XD 

                I hope I can write a good K/K fic…demo…I get all flustered when I try writing any type of romance –I usually end up rolling on the floor, my face red from all my laughter at my pathetic attempts. 

Rekka's Angel- Your review put a big fat smile on my face.  The fact that you said you loved my fic had me going on a high for about four hours—and I am flattered you think I did a good job with it. Personally, that part at the end when she thanks Tomoe is one of my favorites in the last chapter.

Kira Yanami- I'm honored that you even took the time to read this fic. Generally, from most of my reviews, I'm glad I posted it too. My intentions as a fanfic writer have been to be able to express my thoughts of the characters an what they would do in certain situations, and hope that would touch people in return—or at least provide entertainment. To tell the truth, I've been _itching to write about Kaoru, Tomoe and their relationship to Kenshin and his relationships to them. I'm so tired of people just taking one side and then bashing the other side. I'm not a Tomoe fan, but I really respect her character and the things she did for Kenshin._

Alexis- wahahahahahaha~ After you wrote that comment, I think I decided—YOSH I will continue. 

Nobnody—was this a typo for nobody? Anyway—I'm so deeply flattered that you like this fic to the extent that you thought it was sweet and tear-worthy. I've always had trouble trying to make a fic sweet, and I didn't even try here…go figure.  Ahhh tomatoes…I like tomato sauce…but not the actual fruit..hrmmm

Haruko- so glad you enjoyed this fic. As for Kaoru's resolve to let him leave, I tried addressing that in this chapter but it went spiraling off into other directions and ended up being her feelings about him leaving. @________@ orororororo….

Luna Angel-- ^^;; oro…thank you for not flaming me…and I really don't like K/K with other people (well besides Tomoe) because I really don't think they work all that well. K/E maybe…but he's too obsessed with Tomoe that it would be a strained relationship. Kenshin…well…he's just Kenshin. 


	3. Itoshisa no Kate

Insecure

By: Psychotic Tanuki

Chapter Three: Itoshisa no Kate

            Sometimes I wonder what goes on inside his head. He gives off this friendly air, like there's nothing wrong in the world. He smiles as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do, but there's something amiss with that smile. It's too guarded, too perfect and too…fake. What must the world look like from his eyes? Is it different than how I see it? What must it be like to live the life he's lived—to _be Himura Kenshin? _

            I guess I could claim that out of the Kenshin-gumi, I know Kenshin the best. However, if that were true then everyone else must know very little about him. I hardly know anything about him to tell the truth. Sure, I know about his _life_ and what he did during his life—but I know very little about the man himself. Kenshin's a very guarded person so I'm not surprised really, just a little sad. 

            He hides behind his masks and I've never really been able to crack any of them. To keep his promise, to keep his friends happy, he is a happy, bumbling idiot of a wanderer. To keep the prosperity of the nation, of this era, he is a cold and merciless killer. I have no idea what he's like when he's alone, but I suspect that is when he is just simply Himura Kenshin. 

            What do I know about Kenshin? I know he's a pessimist who believes the glass is half empty and that the world is a bleak place. I know he believes that people can't change—his self guilt only proves that. I know that he really is a paranoid man—it's the only sane reason that he would keep that sword with him at all times even after the Enishi incident. I know that he's self reproaching, self hating and has an inferiority complex that's really, really, annoying. I know that under all of that, he's a kind person with a big heart whose been treated unfairly by life. I know he's human. 

            Despite what I know, what I see is completely different. I don't see a man with flaws, I see a man who smiles until the point of idiocy with a clumsy, almost comical friendliness. What I see is a man with flaming red hair which isn't natural for any known human alive—a small petite frame that's only slightly larger than mine, and a beautifully handsome face that is marred by two intersecting scars. I see a man with grace who emanates a feeling of loneliness and hidden vulnerability despite being strong. I see a man who can be brooding and depressed one moment, and then to please his friends, bright, happy and cheerful, and then to please his country, cold unfeeling and apathetic. Behind his facades, I can see someone different. I can see a calm, experienced man with a wish to live his life in peace. I don't think he knows that I can see his true self in everything he does. I see two men even though I'm talking to one. 

            Regardless of what I see and what I know, what I feel is even more different. Sometimes, when a little more flesh is bared, I feel my heart skipping or when he smiles, sometimes I have the urge to burst out into just keel over and smile like a buffoon while turning into a tomato. Most times, I want to just envelop him into a fierce hug and just squeeze the life out of him. That's when times are relatively happy. When times are relatively hard, I just want to sit next to him and hold his hand. I forget the giddiness and I just want to give him all of my support and to just smile reassuringly for him, to listen to whatever he has to say, to let him know I'll be there. Then, there are times when things are relatively peaceful, happy, hard, and melancholy at the same time, like now. 

            It's been a few months or so after Enishi's Jinchuu. There some things that haven't been said and I want to yell them out to him, to make him understand. There are times when all I want to do is just sit next to him without saying a word—enjoying the silence. Sometimes I just want to take his hand and do something silly. Other times I just want to cry and not let him see. But most of the time there's just this unsettling calm sense of tranquility that envelops the dojo and its inhabitants in a lazy happiness. I like this calm, its peaceful but sometimes I wonder if it means that my love for him has diminished now that I'm not giddy all the time. I wonder what it means when my heart doesn't beat like a maniac every single time I see him. 

            If you take what I know, what I see and what I feel, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. What I know, what I see and what I feel are three completely different things. If you look at each separately it's understandable, it's coherent. If I put them together it's so confusing and so blotched up that I don't know what I see, I don't know what I feel and probably the scariest thing is I don't know what I used to know anymore. How can a pessimistic man smile so innocently and make me—a relatively UN-romantic person—feel like I'm going keel over? How can a kind man be so depressed and miserable that it makes me want to hug him until he smiles? How can those two different men actually be different facets to the same man? How can those two very different feelings be traced back to one emotion? 

            Therefore, for the longest time, I've never really understood Himura Kenshin at all. What I knew him to be—from experiences, from what he's told us, from what I've heard and from what I've seen—was different from what I saw, which was all related to what I felt. It was so hard to understand. It caused me to act like a stupid idiot, and often I did unbelievably stupid things I didn't want to do just so he'd smile. I didn't understand why I wanted to strangle Megumi whenever she would hang off of him, and all of the sudden—I really didn't know why my tomboyish attitude bothered me or why my lack of skill in womanly departments left me in bouts of ashamed embarrassment. It hadn't before—when I lived with my father I could care less what be thought of my unladylike demeanors just as long as he would teach me kendo. I could care less about marriage, love or all that wimpy stuff. I was an adjutant master of my style, and I was damn proud of it. _"Let girly women deal with womanly things. I am far beyond them." My father disapproved of that mentality and despaired that I showed no interest in housework. I liked to dress up in kimonos though, and that was probably the only girly thing I liked to do. I think that relieved my father a great deal. _

            Thus, soon after Kenshin moved in, I found myself unbelievably conscious of my bad cooking. I found myself extremely embarrassed when Sano or Yahiko proclaimed my food was horribly bad or proclaim that one day I would kill my future husband with food poisoning. Megumi's biting comments about a sweaty tanuki girls really bothered me and I found myself wearing more and more complex kimonos to make up for it. It felt as though even if I was poor, I was dressing up because if I dressed up, maybe no one would see what I really was. Perhaps that is why Yahiko's teasing "busu" comments made me angry. I tried to pretty, but apparently it just wasn't in my ability to do so. That frustrated me. 

            My appearance around my friends became utterly important to me. I don't know why, but I started paying more attention to my hair. I wore it in a swordsman's hairstyle—and any other hairstyle would not suffice if I were to continue kendo. Although my repertoire for hairstyles was limited to one, I refused to be scruffy. That ponytail just got neater and neater and my ribbon collection just grew larger and larger. I tried desperately to get my skin prettier and my hands less calloused—both attempts failed miserably. At the same time, I tried to act the same around everybody but the way mirth filled their eyes, I could tell they knew something was up. Except for Kenshin, who just smiled and pretended not to notice—which for some reason, made me extremely relieved. 

            I even made a tiny cloth doll of Kenshin. It ended becoming a birthday gift for Ayame—who was euphoric to have her own little Kenshin—and I demanded that she never tell anyone, _especially __Kenshin that it was I who had made that doll. If I hadn't let my embarrassment get the better of me, I probably would've kept that doll too. At least it wouldn't look weird if Ayame had that doll. It would look absurd if __I had that doll though. It would imply that I had more than friendly feelings for him and I refused to believe that.  _

            One day I just dropped everything I was doing, and asked myself, _what is wrong with me?_

            I tried asking Tae. She just got a maniacal glint in her eyes, a devilish smile and told me not to worry—to just leave it all up to her. That resulted in an embarrassing encounter with a false engagement ring (which only confused me even more with my disappointment that it had only been a false engagement ring). I turned to Megumi for advice because she was smarter in matters such as these, and she just shook her head, proclaimed she had a lot of work to do and left. Dr. Genzai just teased me until I was pinker than his laughing face. At that point, I didn't bother to ask anyone else. 

            The answer to my question came really suddenly. _I_—the most tomboyish, unromantic and unladylike person-- was in _love. I, Kamiya Kaoru, who in the days of my childhood proclaimed that I would never become a lady, was turning into the ladies that I scorned. I, Kamiya Kaoru, who in the fervent fear that my father would never teach me kendo had renounced my claim to the female sex, had done exactly what my sex was famed for—_I fell in love_. I was in an incredibly humorous—at least to Sano—state of denial. __This is why my father never tried to teach me the womanly ways of life. The man _knew_ this day would come someday, and in some hidden mirth, he decided that he would humor me. He would wait for the day that I became a lady on my own. I really hated that he was right. _

            From that day forward, I threw myself into training Yahiko. I had to prove to my dead father that I would keep practicing kendo. I would not turn into a lady. I really didn't intend in falling in love with Kenshin when I asked him to stay—far from that. I only wanted a friend—not a lover. Now that I had found my answer, I had no clue what I wanted from Kenshin. I found myself daydreaming about absurd things and flirting with him. Only afterwards did I realize what I had done, and in a rage, I beat my head in at night.

            I suppose that after Kyoto, I decided it didn't matter what I was to Kenshin, as long as I was someone important. That didn't mean that I didn't want him to love me as much as I loved him. I dreamed day after day that he would drop everything and uh, do the romantic stuff that people are supposed to do. I really didn't know _what_ he was supposed to do…or what _I_ was supposed to do. In some sick way, I didn't really want him to be my prince—it would be so degrading that even though I am a female swordsman, I cannot take care of myself. It didn't matter though, I had already played damsel in distress more than I cared to do so. It seemed things were progressing at a steady rate, and I was euphorically happy.

            Then Tomoe's story surfaced from the dark depths of Kenshin's past. I'd like to say that I was completely accepting and understood with a great forgiving. Perhaps that's what I looked like on the outside. That was far from the truth. I was insanely jealous and insanely paranoid. I wanted to scream that it wasn't fair and I wanted to _kill Kenshin. Well maybe not __kill, but severely maim. How could he lead me on like that? If that whole bullshit about soul mates were true then __obviously it was clear as to whom Kenshin's soul mate was. All my outrageous efforts to be a lady—just for him—were _wasted_ and __insignificant. I was of no importance—and clearly he wouldn't speak of me in that tone of respect if __I had died. He'd spent ten years moping over her and I'd probably get a month or two at most. It wasn't fair. I wished that Tomoe was alive—maybe that way I stood a chance._

            But no, she was dead. In death, she was immortalized. There was no chance that something would screw up in their relationship because she was dead. Nothing he felt about her would change and I would be forced to walk in her shadow—to never feel the light. I was very bitter—but I didn't show it and threw myself once again, into teaching Yahiko the succession techniques. 

            I'm still bitter, though not as much. The heavy feeling of inadequacy still looms over me like a dark shadow. I don't think that I'll ever lose all of that horrible feeling. That's okay, I've accepted Kenshin's past. There's nothing I could do to reverse it and even if I were magically sent back into the past, would I have had the heart to deny Tomoe the little time she had with him? She has his past, and I have his future. I've already had more time with him than Tomoe did and in a way, it's not fair to her either. I want him to be happy, and for just one day, be without a care in the world.

            I love Kenshin. I love him a lot. I know I'm important to him, how important doesn't really matter, but sometimes I wish that he would just forget his shyness and tell me what I am to him. It hurts to be left in the dark, and sometimes hope is the only thing you can cling to. Sometimes hope is a burden, like now. It's pointless to hope for something that'll never come true. He'll never really be carefree anymore. It's emotional suicide to keep hoping for that. 

            "Are you crying? What's wrong?" I've been crying. I've been doing that a lot in the past two years. Not just about Kenshin, but about other things too. I never used to cry. 

            "Its just sea spray, its nothing." I lay a hand over his eyes and play with his hair. I'd prefer for him not to see me cry. We went to the beach today with Yahiko, Tsubame and Tae. Somewhere during lunch, Kenshin had begun to use my lap as a pillow. I really didn't complain, I rather like it—and even so, I've begun to think morbid thoughts again.

            "Are you sure?"

            "Yeah, I'm sure." 

            I don't really need him to say anything about my feelings for him. I really don't need to make a move or do anything romantic or ask me to marry him. I'm satisfied to love him alone, just as long as I have what I need from him; his friendship and his trust. There is only one thing I want from Himura Kenshin in this complicated web of deceit, hiding and fragile happiness. 

            Please be here with me, I am here with you. 

AN: Would you believe that for a month and a half, that I had writer's block about how to write Kaoru's feelings about Kenshin? Do you know how retarded that is? The final result was this, but I don't think I really portrayed what I wanted to and in the end, I think If I have enough time later on, I'll redo this chapter.  ; hope that it wasn't too painful to read…gah…I can't believe that this was the best I could do about this…oh well…if I don't rewrite this chapter, I'll try and post another chapter that's more…un-wishy washy. GAH…*locks herself into closet and bangs head against her baseball bat*

Itoshisa no Kate is the ending song to the Seisouhen and inspired this chapter. I had to replay this song over and over again just get the feel of this chapter right—although I think I started to sing along rather than write after a while…If you read the lyrics, you'll notice some similarities…^-~

To my reviewers…I love you all…XD

And I hope you won't kill me with the crappiness of this chapter…*falls over*

Shiomei-XD…I didn't like the second chapter too much and I was wondering if my point had come across the way I had wanted it too…YAY! Obviously it DID! ; Even if people portray Kaoru as a person who can easily figure out her emotions, you can't write a good fanfic without thoroughly knowing the characters you write. In a way this is sort of an experiment of mine to see if that theory is true…

Marstanuki- eh…what I can I say? Megumi's intentions are never quite clear (contradicting advice/hanging off of Kenshin/ all that weird kitsune stuff) but to be fair I'd have to portray her impartially even though I'd like to throttle her sometimes…As for Tomoe—eh…I had a HUGE Tomoe-avoiding/hating period before I realized how stupid that was…; I don't know…something about her rubbed me the wrong way first time I watched 1st OVA. 

Infinite nemo- I liked the first chapters better than the second and third one too…I dunno…that chapter was easier to write than the rest. : gahhh I just hope I can write a better fourth chapter because I reeeaaaaaaaaallly didn't like how this one came out…

Poppy- XD…I'm glad you like it…although I didn't have very happy writing in trying to express what I wanted in this chapter… *sigh* I guess you can't win 'em all. I do agree that Kaoru _is an ordinary girl—with the only things different about her being kendo, forgivingness, pride and loyalty. XD…_


	4. Family Portrait

Insecure

By: Psychotic Tanuki

Chapter Four: Family Portrait

            My father had always been a strict man full of honor and pride. When I was younger, I would be terrified of him—so terrified of him that I turned bashful and shy around him. He was a man who had lived a hard life, and succeeded. I don't know much about his life, since my father was also a quiet man. He was harsh, strict, and a severe disciplinarian and I have been on his bad side more than once—ending up in severe punishments on my part. Despite all that, he must have been kind. A cruel man would've never sheltered me all my life. 

            My mother was sweet, affable and a truly intelligent lady. She was untraditional in that she was much smarter than my father in many, many things. Before she died, I can remember a sweet smile and a gentle voice. I remember that she was always tired, I don't know of what, but she always looked like she wanted to sleep. I don't know _why_ she was tired, she never seemed to be doing anything strenuous, but I can't help having a sneaking suspicion that she was tired of life itself. Too often would her smile turn into a tight lipped frown and sighs of frustration would escape her. She often told me, "I only live for my sweet little Kaoru." Although she smiled, I kept wishing she'd smile because she was happy. 

            It was a fragile existence. We all treaded softly on eggshells, unaware of what would make someone angry. For me they would put up a smile, for me they would continue in living a lie. For me, my father would check his anger against my mother and for me my mother would stop complaining about my father. As long as I was happy, the silent war would cease for another day and so I continued my childish antics. Of course, I couldn't understand any of it. All that mattered was that mommy and daddy were happy. That's all that mattered. For them, I would be a happy child. Behind the happy family, was a vicious cycle.

            In a way, I guess you could say my father killed my mother. Now that I think about it, I can never remember her being completely happy with him, no matter how well he treated her. There was no love in their arranged marriage. At least, if there was, it was one-sided. My mother married beneath her blood, or so she seemed to believe. In an argument with my father, I had heard her say that I was the only good thing to come out of this 'marriage'. It didn't help that my father had irreconcilable temper. Quick to anger, quick to regret, my father often did stupid things that would anger my mother in an instant. 

            My mother was never really happy. As a child, I could feel a sense of sadness that clung to her that never really seemed to go away. All I know or remember about my mother was that she had come from a well to do family and that her father was a famous doctor in our area. When she was my age she walked around wearing silk kimonos and had the finest education. My father was a poor boy, with big ambition and a big heart. Mother's father must have liked that and arranged for the two to marry when the Maekawa Dojo opened—my father as one of the teachers there. My mother never got over the downgrade from high class living to the moderate living of middle class. Sometimes she would make kimonos for me and cry. Seeing my cotton kimonos, she would sob of a time where I could have worn silk kimonos just as she had. That I should have been able to read great books of literature like she had—but I have yet to read them.  

            Daddy didn't really help the situation get better. He's one of the most brilliant swordsmen I've ever seen, but when it came to women, he was tactless. My mother loved the intellectual world—growing up with my grandfather, she must have. My father could not understand that world, to tell the truth, neither can I—at least…I never had the chance to. Daddy couldn't understand why she was unhappy doing 'woman's work' and why doing the laundry, cooking and cleaning never seemed to bring her as much joy as other women.  He forbade her to do the things she loved most—and it killed her. I watched as she withered away before my eyes and when I was ten, she died.

            Of course I blamed my father. I didn't see reason not to. At her funeral, he didn't even cry. For a while, I really hated him. I was already scared of him, and what mommy said was a big, bad, evil sword. Daddy had killed people during the war and Mommy had frowned upon that. I thought he was heartless because he had not cried. I never knew that he grieved in his own way for months and months. It was pure luck that I had stumbled upon him crying over my mother's last silk kimono. 

            Daddy had never cried. I saw him cry just that once, and it scared me more than any story of Hitokiri Battousai eating little children (which turned out to be a load of bullshit), evil demons, or one of daddy's punishments. He was just hunched over, sobbing a loud wail of primal anger and hurt. It was such a raw sound of despair, a shriek of pure sorrow that it made me freeze up and I couldn't move. I could feel my heart pounding inside my chest and that _sound made you want to run away.  To see a grown man cry—truly cry isn't something you can recreate. There's something very disturbing, something very wrong about it. _

             After Mommy's death, Daddy ceased to try and make me into a lady. The only times I had been vaguely interested in girly things was when my mother was alive. She had been so graceful and poised and I wanted to emulate that. My father—, who was uncouth in many ways, was strong, mentally and physically. I wanted to be strong too; I wanted to be better than a weak girl. I could never be happy being a weak girl who couldn't do anything on her own. When I told him that, he got ready to scold me and send me off to cooking lessons when he got a funny look in his eye. He let me learn Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, the style of non-killing. He never once went easy on me; perhaps he went harder on me than the others. 

            Even so—it wasn't fair. He still sheltered me from the harsh reality that was the world. He had always preached about honor, manners and politeness—though he hardly practiced it at home—and how I must 'hold my head higher than the clouds.' I never really understood at all—wasn't there some _good in everyone? Didn't everyone deserve a second chance? Why should I ever have the need to 'hold my head high above the clouds'? _

            When my father died, those words are the ones that truly held a place in my heart. 

            My mother and father were so different and yet so beautiful. I want to believe that I am just as strong as my father and just as beautiful as my mother. I don't think I'll ever be as beautiful as my mother—or as strong as my father but I can hope. I can strive for that goal and I can learn to be happy, if not for me than for them.  

            They say a woman falls in love with a man who is similar to her father. I used to scoff at that saying. A) I was damn sure I'd never get married, let alone fall in love and B) I would not marry a strict man with an iron fist. My father would've liked Kenshin.  Just the same, I think Kenshin would've liked my father. I'll admit, there are similarities between the two that are uncanny—and perhaps that's why I had grown attached to Kenshin in the first place. My mother…might have despaired. Despite her untraditional role in life, I think it would have shocked her too much to see a man do laundry, and clean with such vivacity. But she had always told me to find a man that would take care of me and in that way, perhaps she is happy in heaven. Kenshin would've liked her too. Perhaps it gives me strength to know they could've been friends.

            My new family—one filled with brothers, sisters and love. It is the family I never had, and at the same time, the family I've always wanted. Sort of—I never really wanted a freeloading brother type figure, or a ridiculing older sister but they both grew on me. In that way—Megumi never bothered to hide reality from me. In that way—Sanosuke never felt the need to protect me from the truth. They were my guardians who guided me and kept me humble.

            Misao was always the one who I could relate to the most. With her bright eyed cheerfulness and undying faith I learned many things from her—although I've never really told her that. In that way—Misao was my inspiration to improve myself. 

            But perhaps the most influential member of my new family was Yahiko. 'I want to be strong' he said. Deep in those eyes, and deep within his heart—I could see that he would surpass me, my father and perhaps Kenshin himself. Despite our bickering, he taught me many things as well and he never gave up faith in me. Perhaps I am more of a mother to him than a sister and perhaps he is more of a son to me than a brother. Nah…

           At the head of my new family is Kenshin. More and more now, I think my life is beginning to revolve around him. Its scary but I don't mind. He is my family. I am his. That's all that really matters.

            Mommy and daddy were always on my mind. Would my mother disapprove of learning kendo? Does my father agree with the decisions I've made? Have I brought my family honor? I still think of them often, although, I've been thinking less and less of them. Their faces are growing blurry and their voices distant. I'm afraid that I'm forgetting them, that I'm replacing them with a new family.

            No one treads on eggshells anymore. No one is killing each other slowly.

            And despite the fact we've gone our own ways—no one is alone anymore.

            No one is unhappy.

            And that—that is enough.

AN: XD…A very personal chapter for me seeing that after watching the Seisouhen and Kaoru's description of her family—it seemed so very much like my own. Granted, neither of my parents are dead yet—the family life she described was very much my own. It still is and thus the long time I spent on this chapter. Much of the scenarios are my family life and I hope you don't mind my ramblings. 

And I can only hope that one day my parents will learn to stop antagonizing each other—if by divorce than so be it—I can't take it anymore.

  
XD…ANYWAY~~~ Deep down they must have some sort of mutual understanding because I can still see them talking very amiably when they think I'm sleeping on the couch. Thus—I think this is the chapter that I had most wanted to do for a while.

*bows* Thank you for reading this much so far. 

Please stay with me for the next few chapters as they are the last. 

Infinite nemo—Much happiness was achieved after reading your last review. When I started out to write this fic, I didn't expect much success and as I expected I didn't—at least not like my other fics, but to see that a few people enjoy what I'm doing—than I don't care because its all worthwhile. XD…I think in the next few chapters I will have more than introspection and thank you for the cookies.

*Chomp* I'll take you up on your offer.

Inuki—XD…that was the purpose of this fic and I'm glad to see that another person sees that. As for Watsuki painting her two dimensional? *shrug* I'm not so sure about that, I think it's more that Kaoru is overshadowed by Kenshin and Sano's overall strength. Kaoru's not meant to be the main character but rather, Kaoru's strength is in that she can stand by what she believes and offer something that Kenshin's been looking for since that cold snowy day. 

Dear god…I have absolutely no life. =____='

Angie-- :] I'm glad I decided to continue too.

Nobody--*Success* I was pleased to read that I invoked the feelings that I had hoped.

*Laughs like a maniac*

gracianeko—And that my friend, is the point of this fic. *bows*

…If there was anybody I forgot—and somehow this time around I think I did *scratches head* Let it be known that you have my utmost thanks. 


	5. Self Worth

Insecure

By: Psychotic Tanuki

Chapter Five: Self Worth

Today, Megumi announced she was leaving for Aizu. It would seem as if the happy tapestry of family was slowly beginning to unravel—something that Kenshin had already predicted but…I had not expected it so soon.

Then she had revealed the entire truth behind Kenshin's health. It weighed heavily on mind how we had all thought he was immortal. Sure he had been in more than his fair share of life threatening battles, but it had never occurred to me that practicing Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu could have such impressive repercussions. It had never occurred to me that his petite frame couldn't handle the strain of the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu.

Kenshin left earlier with an unguarded look of severity. He was thinking of doing something potentially dangerous, and he would never tell me. That hurt a bit, but he had his reasons. Sano and Megumi had left together to continue treatments on his right hand and Yahiko left to work at the Akabeko. Misao was still trying to make Aoshi laugh, while Aoshi tried to meditate.

This left me with nothing to do. Left alone with my thoughts, I forced myself into the mindless household chores. Upon completion of such tasks, I had decided to mend an old gi of Kenshin's. The red one he wore so often was worse for wear, and he had recently begun to wear a dark blue one. Still, I sought to repair the torn red gi. It held a great amount of sentimental value for me.

Megumi was leaving for Aizu in a week. This revelation brought about an unexpected conflict within my emotions. A part of me thought that I should be rejoicing, but an even bigger part of me was afraid. Megumi, like Kenshin, was calm and rational. She was a buffer for my tomboyish tendencies, and Sanosuke's brashness. More than that, she was my guidance.

Both of us were in love with Kenshin and I guess that should have made her my rival. For a while we were, but rivalry eventually dissipated into an awkward friendship beginning under that bridge in Kyoto. She had come to the conclusion that her love for Kenshin would always be unrequited and if she couldn't have him, she would rather make me into someone worthy of him. Or so she told me circuitously months later.

She still enjoyed teasing me, and I could not begrudge her that. She suffered silently with grace; her jibes at me, while sometimes psychologically damaging, were her only release of her bottled up hostility. Not at me, but more or less at herself. With time, I grew to enjoy our spats; it grew to be a joke between the two of us. We kept it up for the sake of appearances rather than an actual hatred of each other.

By the time Kenshin had retold his past, Megumi's quick mind knew me well enough to know my inner turmoil. I hadn't really realized it at the time, but she was the one who told me the words I needed to hear the most.

"_You are no replacement for Tomoe-san."_

Those words could easily be misinterpreted. If she had told me a month earlier, I would have blown up, but as it was, I had no reason to. Her face was not spiteful, nor was it impassive. Megumi was not a cruel person and her teasing was never meant to seriously hurt anyone. After Kyoto, I learned to respect Megumi's advice; maybe even more so than Kenshin's.

Of course, by uttering those words she hadn't intended to make the meaning very clear. Megumi guided by pushing you in the right direction. Those words were her way of pointing me down the right path, they were figuratively speaking, a signpost. Those words surprised me, and in actuality, I was relieved to hear them.

What those words really meant was that Kenshin cared for me as Kaoru. I was important to him because I had earned his respect as Kaoru. The names Kaoru and Tomoe were not synonymous in his mind; she made it clear that he respected both Tomoe and I as two different people. I was no replacement for Tomoe and Tomoe was no replacement for me.

More importantly, those words meant Kenshin didn't care for me because I reminded him of Tomoe. He cared because I was Kaoru, no more or less.

Kenshin would have never thought to reassure me of that; it was obviously clear to him and the other men that I was different from Tomoe. But a woman's mind does not work in the same way that a man's does, it doesn't see things the way a man's might.

I frowned. I would miss Megumi very very much. Shaking my head in disgust, I realized those words didn't nearly describe how much I would miss her company. But just as Kenshin said…they would all eventually walk their own paths. It was a little lonely but…

I would miss Misao as well, but not in the same way. Misao already lived in another city, and while I would miss her company I did not usually see Misao every day. Misao was not a walk's distance away and so parting with her was not nearly as hard. Not that I didn't like Misao as much as I did Megumi; on the contrary, I related with the younger girl much better than I did with Megumi. It's just that Megumi, who lived fifteen minutes away wasn't going to be there anymore.

"Ah!" Carefully, I sucked the blood that prickled forth from where my needle had stabbed my thumb.

"Silly girl; can't even sew properly." I looked up to see Megumi standing rather stiffly in the doorway, a hand tentatively propped up against the shoji. There was an awkward smile on her face and an amused glint in her eyes. I smiled back and motioned her to come inside, to which her face became visibly relieved.

The air was tense. We were friends yes, but if there was nothing to do, we were bickering and if we weren't bickering, there was a period of awkwardness before we could have a decent conversation. I would have preferred if that wasn't the case, but it was. Getting to a point where we were able to converse amicably with ease would time.

"What are you doing here so late?" I glanced at the clock; it was a half hour after midnight.

"Knocking some sense into you before I leave for Aizu; before you unintentionally shirk your duties as the most important person to Kenshin." I fidgeted uncomfortably under Megumi's stare.

"I know that I'm important to him. You don't have to worry about that," I furrowed my eyebrows with confusion. It was awfully late for Megumi to be telling me this. Awfully late, and rather unnecessary in my opinion.

"Do you? Do you really know to what extent?" I paused briefly. I remember Kenshin mentioning 'the most important person' during the battle with Enishi, but I hadn't really paused to think if he could have actually meant me.

"It doesn't really matter. I love him and he cares for me. For now it's enough." It was a miracle that I hadn't been sewing at that moment in time because Megumi grabbed my wrist abruptly, a fierce look in her eyes. Lips pursed and eyes glittering, she shook me harshly.

"It does matter! He _loves _you! _DO _something about it!" Annoyance bubbled up inside of me. Yes I loved him, maybe he loved me back, but even if he did-- what _exactly_ was I supposed to _do_ about it? Push myself into a relationship I was far from ready for? Push him into a relationship when he was most likely uncomfortable with the idea?

"And _what_ exactly do you expect me to _do_? Marry him?"

"Yes!" I stared in shock at the utter seriousness on Megumi's face. I'd be the first to admit that I'd dreamed many dreams where I was Kenshin's wife and mother to his children…but…

I was not ready to be a wife, a lover, or a mother. Kenshin knew that, which was why neither of us tried to change the relationship of landlady and boarder. I knew he cared, but I didn't know if he wanted it in the way of intimate friends or lovers. He had never directly told me which way his emotions fell: the type of love you give to a kindred soul, or the type of love you give to your other half. The man was the master of sending mixed signals: one day leaning towards lover, another day leaning towards 'only friends'. Megumi's declaration on his behalf was an option I was reluctant to indulge myself in.

"B-but…" She grabbed both my shoulders, regaining the calm she was most admired for.

"Did you even ask what his living hell was? Did you even know what Enishi did to him?" I froze. Sanosuke, Yahiko and Misao had been uncomfortable when I had asked them, and Aoshi had just told me to ask Kenshin. If it had been a living hell, I didn't want Kenshin to relive it so I hadn't asked him. I hadn't asked Megumi because I'd figured she would give the same reaction as Sanosuke, Yahiko and Misao.

"No. I didn't want him to relive it, and everyone else didn't want to talk about it." Megumi sighed, but I didn't miss the flash of hurt in her eyes. Hurt that I hadn't bothered to ask her. I felt guilt tug at my heartstrings. An apology on the tip of my tongue, I was surprised to find Megumi fisting her hands in her kimono.

"He made us believe you were dead. We saw your dead body pinned to the dojo wall." Megumi shut her eyes and the seed of dread planted itself in my stomach. Yahiko had told me how Gein had created mannequins out of dead body parts; but I hadn't thought that…I hadn't thought that he would have made a mannequin…of me. Perhaps that was why Yahiko refused to talk any further on the subject.

"Kenshin took off the minute anyone took their eyes off of him. Do you know where he went?" The seed of dread blossomed into a hateful feeling, which spread like a weed. Of course I didn't. Without missing a beat, Megumi rid me of my ignorance and shed light upon a dark situation.

"Rakuninmura Kaoru…He went to _Rakuninmura_." It happened so fast that I hadn't realized it, but Megumi had begun to cry. Sometimes, it was easy to forget that Megumi was suffering from a bad case of unrequited love. She hid it so well under a cool demeanor and witty words—both of which were her armor against the real world. It was easier to hate that side of her, and not realize why she was like that in the first place.

"You and I both know that he loves you Kaoru. God dammit everyone knows it. Stop finding reasons to tell yourself otherwise... He didn't go to rescue you to get the cold shoulder...I won't forgive you if--"

I hugged her then and for the first time, the roles were reversed. She was the one who needed some comforting and peace of mind. But even so, in her suffering, Megumi reminded me of a something very important: Love is all encompassing taking many forms, but most often it takes the form of pain.

"I understand. I'm sorry." Megumi choked a sob of relief before hastily wiping away her tears. It went unsaid that this conversation never left this room but I would carry it with me for the rest of my life. With a cool severity and poise I could never match, Megumi left the room. But before she had completely gone…

_ "Sometime when we weren't looking, you became more than a sweaty little tomboy."_

I cried then. I had told myself I wasn't ready when I had really been ready for a very long time. On some level, I knew that Kenshin loved me; I'd known ever since the day I told him I would stay by his side forever. If he had asked me to be his wife at that very moment, I would have been ready. But Enishi's Jinchuu set back whatever progress we had made back to a stalemate. I tiptoed around him, and he tiptoed around me.

When we came back to Tokyo, I half expected him to hold me at an arm's distance. Ironically, I, who craved closeness, held him at an arm's distance. He never complained but I wondered if he had been hurt by that…or if…he thought that was what he deserved. Megumi had seen that—she always saw what I didn't see. I was surprised she didn't kill me out of frustration a long time ago.

Kenshin needed me to help him with the burden of his atonement. He would never out right say it, and most likely would never acknowledge it—but he did. Of course, he hadn't come back yet from whatever it was that he needed to tend to but…

There would never be another goodbye like that one. Thus, I wasn't too worried. But as it was, he wasn't here for me to tell him all of this so I set to mend his gi as best as I could; to mend the holes with loving care. I wasn't aware as to when I fell asleep.

"Kaoru-dono, you'll catch a cold if you sleep like that." Standing in the doorway where Megumi had stood hours before, Kenshin smiled gently. "Tadaima."

I smiled back. Without any restraint, I held his battered gi towards him. I was horrible with words, but speaking through actions…that I could do.

"Okaeri nasai." He took the gi from my hands with a bemused expression on his face, one that I couldn't fully read or understand. It didn't matter—being together with Kenshin, helping him in his life of atonement…

That was enough. What did it matter if I had flaws? What did it matter if I was not the perfect woman? Kenshin was not the perfect man, and he didn't delude himself to believe that he could be. Why should I force myself to be like Tomoe when Kenshin liked me as Kaoru?

Things were just as Kenshin said. Everyone was beginning to set off on their own journeys—and we were no different. Accepting my own self worth had been the first step in a new journey for Kenshin and I. Today, I was no longer his landlady and he was no longer my boarder. Starting from today, we were just Kenshin and Kaoru.

AN: That took forever and a day to put out. I had actually had this chapter written about a month or two after I posted the last one, but I got sick around Thanksgiving and then I had some other problems regarding my health, added on with a hellish sophomore year in high school. Then when I finally re read the chapter, I didn't like and started all over again. Still not all that happy with it, but I don't think I could put it any better.

This chapter actually marks a change in Kaoru's personality and mannerisms. I mean she's been changing for a long time but this was probably a landmark. I never quite believed that Kenshin was the only one with self-worth issues in the Kenshin-gumi—I figured they all went through it to some sort of degree. I think this also starts a change as to where this fic is headed. In the last few chapters I think I'll have Kaoru's thoughts on her maturing relationship with Kenshin, and how she deals with the emptiness of the Kamiya Dojo once everyone leaves to live their own lives.

Also just to mention; when I went back and re-read the story, I kind of realized it may be confusing as to what source of Kenshin I used to write this fic. The answer is that this universe is more of a mix between the Seisouhen's version of how things happened with the manga and maybe a bit of the anime.

:D Who knows…once this fic is done, maybe I'll write a sequel on the actual courtship of Kenshin and Kaoru. Just maybe. Read and Review please! :D

Reviewers:

MoMo-ChAn: XD thanks a lot. My personal life is back on track and lately, I think I've been getting this feeling that something good is gonna happen. Ahhh…

Flaming-amber: Glad you like it. I kind of noticed that everything begins angsty too…I think its mainly because I wanted Kaoru to focus on something that was bothering her and realize…its not so bad. I think that's actually probably a major part in growing up…and this is sort of about her growing up emotionally.

Tigerrelly: I don't think it'll end sadly…but I wouldn't go so far as to give it a saccharine-ly sweet happy ending. Maybe something inbetween.

Chibi-tanuki: I am utterly flattered that you like my stories :D.

Shiomei: XD Yeah. Kaoru's mom isn't showed much during the fic, so I actually based her on my own mother. Of course, my parents are still alive, but its rather weird how they don't show each other antipathy but then they show their antipathy towards each other to me. I don't know what that solves but…oh well. I'm happy your mother is stronger

Nigihayami Haruko: I'm glad it didn't come out as a lecture. I tried especially to make sure it didn't. In a way…I think everybody can relate to stuff like that…and if they can't then they will. Its probably one of the greater lessons that can be learned in life. I sound like a fortune cookie…

Rekka's Angel: Thank you very much. It made my day reading your review and I can relate to online connection problems. I wish I had cable…TTTT

Agentiz: XD It was a gift I was all too willing to give. Mainly because I was sick and tired of reading the same Kaoru; you know…the Kaoru that's always competing with Tomoe, the one who's so innocent and pure and saintly and blah blah blah. If Kaoru were really that watered down, she wouldn't be a very likeable character.

Noshmono: An inspiration? I've never really been called that before blush. Thank you for reading my fic.

Inuki: Yeah. People are still trapped in relationships today but I think its gotten better. I don't think it was that I did well on a tough chapter, I think I did well because it was a tough chapter to write. I wanted to make sure that I was being realistic and accurate with the family I was portraying.


End file.
